First, let me just apologize for my lack of postings as far as the Man-Strike is concerned. You have to understand that this Michael Jackson thing has thrown me completely off my game. The man was my favorite so I took it really hard, not like those people in Holland, but hard nonetheless. So now I am trying to return to some normalcy and I thought I would pick back up with my Man-Strike.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and saw something you didn't expect to see or maybe just for a moment you didn't recognize yourself? Well, that's what's been going on with me lately. I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the time when I was this young girl who was all starry eyed, who believed in true love and all its possibilities. Obviously, that was a very long time ago, but a part of me wonders what happened to that girl. Has love really beat me up that bad that I've become unrecognizable to myself? I mean, if young me could see me now would she even recognize me. I already know the answer to the question, but it hasn't stopped me from asking it. You see, I know that I am emotionally unavailable, but how did I get to this point? What point was it in my life that I decided to completely shut off my heart to the possibility of love? Maybe there has been one hurt too many that made me barricade myself in this impenetrable chamber that will not allow anyone in, but the only problem with not letting anyone is the fact that I can't get out. Now, the question is do I really want to come out.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I have a problem with being vulnerable. I know this fear of vulnerability stems from past hurts. Now the task for me is to figure out how to get past this place. In order for me to begin this process I must first be willing to be honest with myself. There is nothing worse than a person who lies to himself/herself. If I can't be honest with myself than who can I be honest with. That is the point of my looking in the mirror and seeing me for the person that I really am. Its time for me to realized that the fact I closed myself off from love has nothing to do with a man, but moreso to do with me as a person. I made the conscious decision to shut myself off from love because the thought of experiencing pain again was just something I didn't want to experience anymore. So I allow myself to get involve with men who are just like me. Emotionally disconnected beings who use countless excuses as to why they don't have time for a relationship. The biggest excuse for me of course is that of my career. Who has time to be in love when they are busy trying to build an empire? It's the perfect excuse. You keep telling yourself the same lie over and over again eventually you begin to believe it. So thus, here I am.
Trust me going on this journey of a Man-Strike hasn't been easy for me. I can't remember a point in my life when I haven't been conversing with a man on some level. I've come to realize that I use men as security blankets even if I'm not interested in them. I just love the attention of a man. So not talking to any has been a very interesting process in itself for me. It's allowed me to notice a lot of stuff about myself that I haven't noticed before. I'm actually enjoying the process.
SO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND SHARE WITH ME SOME OF YOUR EXPERIENCES. OH,AND IF YOU ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE MAN-STRIKE PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I WANT TO HEAR WHAT REVELATIONS YOU HAVE LEARNED ABOUT YOURSELF.
2 comments:
well since i cut off two people recently. i listened to what they had to say about me. lol i know people take what they see of you and think that is you and they make assumptions about you. they also make this stuff up so they can deny being wrong. anyways, one told me that i like pushovers and the other told me that they think nothing impresses me. i thought geez do these men need that much praise and control over me.
i recognize i'm not in a good place. i am testing the waters and theories out on people. i am that black woman with an attitude that men complain about. however, when i was nice it was mistaken as weakness. where is the middle ground? men like standards men love b's.
I like male attention too. I feel completely undesirable here in Korea. I spent my days at home enjoying having fans and admirers.
it's nice to have your phone ring to know someone is thinking about you. i truly think i would rather keep to myself until i meet someone who doesn't make me that angry person.
p.s. yea get on it. i have been waiting for these posts.
Hey,
I think it is commendable that you are looking at the "Woman in the Mirror." This is the phase that Michael was going through when he wrote the song, "man in ..." I hope that in your quest your will find "the real you;" and in all of that realize that once you change your mindset, you change your world.
Peace!
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